My wife laughs at very few jokes, but there are a few here that make even her chuckle!

What the clerk sees is a long thin razor blade, with a sharp metal spike on each end. Not understanding what it is for, the clerk asks the old inventor for an explanation.

The old inventor is clearly disappointed that the clerk did not recognize the invention, so he says "Well, young man, this is the world's greatest mousetrap! Here's how it works!"

"You see this spike on the left, you put a piece of meat on it. And you see this spike on the right, you put a piece of cheese on it. Then, what happens is the mouse walks up and sticks his head over the razor blade and shouts 'Meat, Cheese!', slicing his throat."

The clerk can't believe what a stupid invention this is, but wants to let the old inventor down easily. So he says "Well old man, that really is an amazing invention. But you know, to be a great invention it must also be affordable. And with the price of meat and the price of cheese these days, not many people can afford your invention!".

The old inventor was disappointed, but agreed that there was a flaw in his invention and left the patent office. The clerk felt good that he let the old inventor down gently.

The very next day, however, the old inventor returns and is very excited, shouting "I fixed it! Look at it now!" and puts the invention back on the table.

The clerk sees it, but it is exactly what he saw yesterday. But before the clerk can complain, the old inventor says "Yes, I know it looks the same, but let me tell you how it works now!"

So the old inventor continues "You see this spike on the left? Well you don't put a piece of meat on it. And you see this spike on the right? Well, you don't put a piece of cheese on it. And what happens is that the mouse walks up and sticks his head over the razor blade. Turning his head from left to right the mouse shouts 'No meat, no cheese!' and slices his throat!".

At dinner time, the college guys are at the table when the farmer's son comes to the table.

The first college guy tries not to stare, but it was so fascinating - the boy had no ears and the area where the ears should have been was as smooth as a baby's butt. So he stares!

The boy starts crying and the farmer chastises the college guy for staring, and in self-defense, the college guy says "I wasn't staring at his ears, I was starting at his .... his hair! The boy has such nice shiny hair and he needs to take good care of it or else (and the college guy takes off a toupee) he will lose it like I did!"

This gets the college guy out of trouble, the farmer apologizing for thinking that the college boy was starting.

The second college guy also tries not to stare, but it really was so fascinating - so he forgets and stares!

The boy starts crying and the farmer chastises the college guy for staring, and in self-defense, the college guy says "I wasn't staring at his ears, I was starting at his .... his teeth! The boy has such nice white hair and he needs to take good care of them or else (and the college guy takes out his dentures) he will lose them like I did!"

This gets the college guy out of trouble, the farmer apologizing for thinking that the college boy was starting.

The third college guy can't help but be fascinated by the boy, so he also starts to stare.

The boy starts crying and the farmer chastises the college guy for staring, and in self-defense, the college guy says "I wasn't staring at his ears, I was staring at his .... his eyes! The boy has such nice clear eyes and he needs to take good care of them or else he'll have to wear glasses like I do .. (and the college guy starts to take off his glasses, but then stops to think) .. oh, you can't wear glasses 'cause you ain't got no ears!

With a snooty, condescending tone, the upper classman says "At Harvard, we don't end our sentences with prepositions!"

Taken aback, the Aggie pauses, then says "Well then, can you tell me where the library's at, ASSHOLE!"

Amish drive-by shooting

Stand back! I don't know how big this thing is going to get!

Take your foot off his head!

Little boys have kickstands!

Their personalities

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, ...

- In a coffee cup? Joe
- On a poker table? Chip
- Throwing up? Chuck
- Two guys in water? Swimming trunks
- An electrician? Sparky
- Out of the wind? Lee
- In a stream? Eddie
- Woman, in your garden? Violet
- Run over by basketball players? Jim
- In a hole in the ground? Warren
- Between two buildings? Ali
- Cooked by cannibals? Stu
- Covered with cement? Rock
- Cow with legs on left shorter than legs on right? Lean beef
- Cow with no legs? Ground beef
- Dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway
- Flying over a fence? Homer
- Gets left behind in a restaurant? Tip
- Given to you by a deceased uncle? Will
- Hanging on a wall with no tongue? Tasteless Art
- Hanging on a wall? Art
- In a bank vault? Rich
- In a bank? Buck
- In a bathtub? Dwayne
- In a flowerbed? Pete
- On a baseball team? FirstBase
- Under a car? Jack
- In a hole in the ground? Phil
- In a lingerie drawer? Teddy
- In a swimming pool? Bob
- In a tiger cage? Claude
- In the end zone? Spike
- In the men's room? John
- In your fireplace? Bernie
- In your mailbox? Bill
- In your spice rack? Herb
- Lying in a pile of leaves? Russell
- Lying in front of the door? Matt
- No torso? Dick
- On a hill? Roland
- On a piece of paper? Mark
- On a stage? Mike
- On a tennis court? ANNETTE
- On the President's desk? Vito
- On your barbecue? Frank
- Put through a meat grinder? Chuck
- Shaving? Nick
- Some woman, who is Japanese? Irene
- Struck by lightning? ROD
- Towed behind a ski boat? Skip
- Trying to cross a highway? Spot
- Two men in a window? Curt n' Rod
- Under a bed? Dusty
- Under a car? Jack
- Under a steamroller? Lane
- What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag
- When you push his head under water? Duncan
- Who has no head? Chester
- Who is covered with oil? Derek
- Who is on the edge of the green? Chip
- Who loosens hex screws? Allen
- Who pretends to have arms and legs? Josh
- With history wheelchair collisions? Rex
- Woman, between two slices of bread? Patty
- Woman, floating on a pond? Lily
- Woman, hanging from a chandelier? Crystal
- Woman, holding a coat? Peg
- Woman, in a bag? Carrie
- Woman, in a frying pan? Pam
- Woman, in a vase? Rose
- Woman, in your kitchen sink? Dawn
- WOman, on a beach? Sandy
- Woman, stuck in a fence? Barb
- Woman, with one leg shorter than the other? Eilene

Q: What are squares scared of?

A: Vicious circles.

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?

A: Nice belt!

Theorem. A cat has nine tails.

Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat,
it must have nine tails.

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?

A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right. The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"

"Statistics shows that most people are abnormal!"

"How that?"

"According to statistics, a normal person has one breast and one testicle..."

Q: How can you tell that a mathematician is extroverted?

A: When talking to you, he looks at your shoes instead of at his.

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

A logician at Safeway.

"Paper or plastic?"

"Not 'not paper and not plastic'!"

"Wasn't yesterday your and your wife's first wedding anniversary? What is it like having being married to a mathematician for a whole year?"

"She just filed for divorce..."

"I don't believe it! Did you forget about your wedding day?"

"No. Actually, on my way back home from work, I stopped at a flower store and bought a bouquet of red roses for my wife. When I came home, I gave her the roses and said: `I love you.'"

"So, what happened?!"

"Well, she took the roses, slapped them around my face, kicked me in the groin, and threw me out of our apartment..."

"What a bitch!"

"No, no... it's all my fault... I should have said: `I love you and only you.'."

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."

Q: Do you already know the latest stats joke?

A: Probably...

Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?

A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: "There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"

"Why?" the students ask.

"Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."

"And what happened?!"

"Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."

"My life is all arithmetic", the young businesswoman explains. "I try to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying..."

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math.

The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"

"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"

The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.

One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: "Do you know, daddy, what I've found out?"

"No."

"The new baby will be Chinese!"

"What?!"

"Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese..."

A math student and a computer science student are jogging together in a park when they hear a voice: "Please, help me!"

They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass.

"Please, help me!" the frog repeats. "I'm not really a frog: I'm an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken - and I will be yours forever..."

The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides - making not even an attempt to kiss it.

"You don't have to marry me", the frog continues frantically, "if you're afraid of the commitment. I'll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me..."

The frog's voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants.

"But why don't you kiss her?!" the math student asks.

"You know", the CS student replies, "I simply don't have time for a girlfriend - but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet..."

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flag pole. They only have a measuring tape and are quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole: It falls down all the time.

A mathematician comes along and asks what they are doing. They explain it to him.

"Well, that's easy..."

He pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it easily.

After he has left, one of the engineers says: "That's so typical of these mathematicians! What we need is the height - and he gives us the length!"

In a class, a math professor claims that he can prove everything under the assumption that 1+1=1.

A student challenges him: "Then prove that you're the pope!"

He ponders for a moment and then replies: "I am one, and the pope is one. Therefore, the pope and I are one."

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?".

Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematicians is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

A mathematician and an engineer are on desert island. They find two palm trees with one coconut each. The engineer shins up one tree, gets the coconut, eats. The mathematician shins up the other tree, gets the coconut, climbs the other tree and puts it there. "Now we've reduced it to a problem we know how to solve."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?

He repeats "one third x cubed".

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?". The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

"This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left."

What keeps a square from moving ? why, square roots of course.

How many square roots does it have ? why, 2 obviously.

Algebra is x-sighting.

Vectors can be 'arrowing.

I'm partial to fractions.

I like angles ... to a degree.

I could go on and on about sequences.

Translations are shifty.

Complex numbers are unreal.

I feel positive about integers.a

On average, people are mean.